Of course, the topic on everybody’s mind is holiday cheer. Keep in mind that the rest of the world doesn’t stop, my friends; they too have holidays. And as Prince William prepares to be wed, we have had royalty on our minds. What does one give to a royal heir, one who has everything, amidst the holiday giving season? We have compiled a list of gift suggestions to bestow upon the Queen of England, Elizabeth II, which should all make her majesty jump out of her seat in excitement.
11. Membership to Thomas Farm Community Center. Her highness can ball with the best of them. Unfortunately, living with limited means, she doesn’t have a place to throw down with her homies. No longer, my Queen, no longer.
10. Gift Card to Cracker Barrel. Nothing transcends class like Cracker Barrel. Plus, we happen to know the Queen’s favorite dish is fried pork chops with a side of beans and greens.
9. Star Wars Underwear. The best part about themed underwear is that the graphics on the rear cover up any skidmarks, should they (and they will) unfortunately occur. We also have it on good authority that the Queen fancies C-3PO.
8. Singing Telegram from A.R. Rahman. Just imagine the elation of the Queen when the composer from Slumdog Millionaire comes a-knockin’ on the door to Buckingham Palace. Be careful though, she may think it is a delayed surprise attack from the Indian Sepoy rebellion of 1857.
7. One-Year Subscription to ‘Highlights’ magazine. As Her Majesty ages and withers away, it is important she stay young inside. Also, everyone’s favorite Hidden Pictures section would keep her busy during long P.R. events (Crayola crayons not included).
6. ‘My Super Sweet Sixteen’ Seasons 1 and 3 on DVD. In order to help convince Elizabeth II to sponsor a sweet sixteen in the Rockville-Potomac area, it is imperative that she sees what we are expecting. But note, no Season 2. That was the one full of way-too-normal, not-so-sassy middle-class kids.
5. Used 1998 Daewoo Leganza V100. Every great leader and figurehead needs a recognizable ride. This would be the Queen’s ‘Popemobile.’
4. A onesie. Just for funsie.
3. Tamagachi. It boggles the mind that Tamagachis have nearly gone out of existence. What better way to resurrect the fallen pets than to have the highest royal in all the land adopt one? Sorry Lizzy, we have an ulterior motive with this one.
2. A Spray Tan. That biddie’s gettin’ pasty.
1. The Complete Discography of Chumbawumba Box Set: Silver Anniversary Collection Edition. I can’t imagine how many listens these several discs will receive. It’s got all the hits she loves: “Amnesia,” “Enough Is Enough” (with MC Fusion), “Timebomb,” “Top of the World (Ole, Ole, Ole),” “Add Me.” And her personal favorite, “God Save The Queen.”