Rindler for President

 

Dear Readers,

 

This country is on the verge of chaos. Relations between Republicans and Democrats are at their most antagonistic since the Civil War, preventing any true compromise to save this nation from economic despair. And the people are angry. The petty differences of a rich elite have doomed the masses. This is not the time for ‘party alignment’; this is the time for a populist president. That is why, readers, I have made the noble choice. In the general election next November remember to vote…

Rindler for President

Legality:

Yes, I can run for president. If you’ve brushed up on Constitutional law in school recently, or are just a true American like me and read it for fun, you’d know that only a citizen of 35 years of age can be elected president. Key word there being ‘elected.’ There is no law against hitting the campaign trail to shake things up.

Economic platform:

The key to solving our economic woes? Indentured servitude. In this system, food, clothing and shelter are exchanged for seven years of contractually obligated labor rather than a traditional paycheck. Then we could compete with China, Bangladesh and other countries which get away with paying their workers next to nothing and then letting them starve. Our citizens would be employed, well-fed and happy.

Social Security:

Raise the retirement age to 90 because let’s face it , if you can live that long, then you’ve earned a break. Otherwise, chew some aspirin for your arthritis and keep operating high-level machinery, Grandpa.

Foreign Policy:

I take my lessons on defensive behavior from an unlikely source: teenage girls! Rather than sending our beloved troops on expensive military campaigns across the world, I’d adopt a stance of ‘passive-aggression’ to send a message to our enemies. For example, if Iran wants to build nukes, then Ahmadinejad ain’t getting invited to my birthday party. Canada’s bringing a moonbounce.

Domestic Policy:

The infrastructure of this nation is crumbling. The interstate highway system needs billions to be rehabilitated. So I say, rather than trying to reach remote areas no one cares about, we simply let them fade away. Good bye, Wyoming.

Environmental Policy:

I am an avid unicyclist. I propose a tax on each wheel of any vehicle above one. This keeps unicycles and bikes cheap and cars and trucks expensive.

As you can see, I have everything figured out, America. It’s gonna be awesome.